May 12, 2026 @ 10:30 AM | by Houston Matthews

The city of Newark has formally relayed that it received notice on Tuesday of being just one violent homicide away from receiving a free ice cream cone. The news, although unsurprising, was described as "delightful" by mayor Ras Baraka.

"We knew the city was on its way to reaching some sort of quota, but we had no idea we were already so close to a delightful dairy treat," Baraka elaborated in an interview. "The minute we lose another citizen, whom we definitely have in our best interests, I'll hop on down to Cold Stone and finally get the tenth hole punched in my Homicide Card."

When inquired about the matter, former mayor Luis Quintana staunchly refused to comment, though he remarked that "[his] favorite flavor is chocolate".